The majority of individuals who became parents during the 1970’s and 1980’s belong to a generation who was brought up with the concept of the so called ‘’apostolic authority”. The parents acted as ‘’apostles” who dictated the rules, norms and guidelines for their children’s behaviour. Despite the fact that they did not abide by these rules themselves. This type of upbringing was therefore called ‘’the apostolic parenting style”. A child brought up in this style doesn’t internalise moral values, but only acts upon them when the parent in present. The child knows that if he doesn’t comply, he will be punished. This parenting style is full of labels such as: rude, clumsy, careless, diligent, naughty, lazy, mischievous etc., that influence the child’s life in a negative way (more about this topic in ‘Children Become Their Labels’).
A child brought up in this manner develops the belief: ‘Who I am is not okay’. This deeply rooted and painful self-image has led to many contemporary approaches and theories to upbringing, many among which don’t in fact benefit child development. Many of these contemporary approaches are just as harmful (and some even more so) than the ‘’apostolic parenting style’’ as they do not help children grow into responsible, reliable or content adults.
Through the global changes in economy, the systematic moulding of ‘the good consumer’ and changes in the general lifestyle, the ruling forces of the world have come to exploit the ‘I am not good enough’ self-image, that has largely been adopted by women brought up to believe they are subordinate, because of traditional gender roles. Consequently, the ‘’permissive parenting style’’ was developed and introduced. This parenting style means parents are indulgent and lenient, children encounter no limitations or boundaries and are seemingly free to do as they please. Freedom like this was believed to enable children to develop their full potentials.
A damaged woman, who is harbouring supressed feelings of shame and guilt, but has also achieved financial independence, can be one of the most destructive forces in their own lives and the lives of their children. They want to hide the parts of themselves that they feel are not acceptable, and prove they can be a better woman and a better mother than their mother was to them; and a better boss, better driver and better sportswoman than men. This need creates a large deficit for both society and humankind. It also explains how the man’s role has lost its importance in family life and has no way to enter the symbiosis between the perfect mother and her child.
Family environments such as these ensure young boys are the most disadvantaged, because of the absence of the male energy they need for healthy development. This leads to emotional invalids who haven’t plucked up the courage to leave the warmth of their mother’s embrace at 40 years of age, yet at the same time are angry at all women because they are angry with their mothers. Overbearing mothers, who have unhealthy relationships with their partners, harbour feelings of loneliness while feeling they have no other choice than to be self-reliant. Their children become victims of the unrealistic and impossible expectation: being responsible for their mother’s happiness.
The disappearance of the man’s role in the family environment is harmful for young girls too. Damaged mothers tend to bring their daughters up differently than their sons, because they see their female offspring as similarly vulnerable as themselves. They directly transfer their distress onto their daughter: ‘’You are a woman and you must be careful, because there are wolves out there that are waiting for you to show weakness, before they pounce. So, I must be strict with you and raise you into a strong woman, who doesn’t need a man.’’ The opposite extreme is also common, in which the supressed and frightened mother demonstrates the need to be quite and obedient, and imposes the following behaviour on her daughter: only speak when spoken to, forget about your own needs, you are here to serve others.
Sometimes a woman whose pain originates from childhood neglect and loneliness, will interfere with their children’s personality and invade their privacy. The result of these interferences are unassertive and uncreative children, who are fully dependent on their mother. The feeling of power and importance this gives the damaged mother makes her overlook the fact that she is preventing her children from growing up to be independent individuals, who enjoy their own company. This can bring about many issues in adulthood.
A child is a person in and of itself and must not be treated as an object that grants our wishes. We must connect with our children, learn to listen to them, to trust them and respect them as independent individuals. But if we wish to give all this to our children, we must first possess these qualities ourselves. We must trust ourselves, comfort our inner child, who might not have been good enough, and realize that we are now adults, not victims. We are capable of raising our children into happy and content individuals, and this doesn’t mean that they have to be perfect (by our standards).
Leja Mahnič
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